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Well & Truly Off The Grid
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Transparent
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21/05/2024 12:57 pm  

I see there's almost £50,000 off the price of a modular USB charger today!

image

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Mars
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Topic starter 26/05/2024 3:29 pm  

Bank holiday joke. A heat pump engineer walks into a bar...

https://youtube.com/shorts/cRAVvwxOvf8


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Toodles
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26/05/2024 3:41 pm  

@editor Another heating engineer walks into another pub …  ‘Pint of your best beer landlord and make it very cold’ Landlord: ‘Sorry Mate, I’m fresh out of glycol.’


Toodles, heats his home with cold draughts and cooks food with magnets.


   
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Transparent
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31/05/2024 12:41 pm  

After days of arguing with a heat-pump installer, the customer is sick and tired of a system which still doesn't seem to be working.

That evening he's dreading the next day when everything was meant to have been completed. He picks up a discarded pressure valve from the floor beside the third buffer tank and casually rubs his fingers across the brass stem while he considers whether to throw it at the heat pump or the installer.

To his surprise, a blue genie appears from the end of the pipe and grants him three wishes.

Delighted, the man has no trouble in saying what he wants.
"I'd like to have this heat-pump installation completed and properly commissioned to operate using as little energy as possible. I want a full set of drawings with user instructions specific to this house, and finally, I'd like certificates of compliance with Part-L and Part-P of the Building Regulations," he announces.

"Phew!" exclaims the genie. "That's more like a miracle than a set of three wishes. But let's see what I can do. Your wishes are my command."

In a flash the pipe insulation is properly fitted and sealed, TRVs removed from radiators and lockshield valves balanced. The controller gets configured with the required weather compensation settings, temperature sensors repositioned where they should have been, and the pumps quietly hum as they achieve the optimal flow temperature.

The genie hands him the system schematic, user instructions and two Building Regs certificates.

"That was amazing," says the customer. "I had begun to think that this wouldn't ever be possible."

"Me too!" replies the genie, who smiles and quickly disappears.

 

The next morning, the installer arrives to find everything completed and working.
"How did you manage all this overnight?" he asks.

The customer tells him about the genie and the three wishes, whilst the installer gasps with amazement.

He reaches into his bag, pulls out a notepad, scribbles out a few items on the list and hands over the top page to the customer.
"Here's the bill," he announces. "Prompt payment would be appreciated."

The customer looks through it and remarks that it's a lot higher than the original quotation.

"Ah yes," explains the installer. "I've had to strike out the government's £7500 subsidy, and then add in a chargeable warranty and maintenance contract. Genies aren't allowed to be MCS registered."

"Whyever not?" enquired the customer.

"Coz they don't do any proper customer service. They're just here today and gone tomorrow!"


This post was modified 2 years ago by Transparent

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Mars
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Topic starter 03/06/2024 6:55 am  

Turn up your volume and listen to Heat Pump Euphoria


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Transparent
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03/06/2024 12:17 pm  

Do we assume @editor that Heat Pump Euphoria is to be your submission to DESNZ on Delivering a Smart & Secure Electricity System?

It seems to be missing a verse on Regulatory Controls to implement Cyber Security.

 


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Toodles
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03/06/2024 12:40 pm  

@transparent I am eager to see the royalties start rolling in for my heat pump’s appearance fee! 😉 Toodles.


This post was modified 2 years ago by Toodles

Toodles, heats his home with cold draughts and cooks food with magnets.


   
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Mars
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Topic starter 03/06/2024 2:11 pm  

@toodles well noticed 🤣


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Toodles
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03/06/2024 2:25 pm  

@editor ‘Oi nowed me eat pump enyware Guv.’


Toodles, heats his home with cold draughts and cooks food with magnets.


   
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Transparent
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23/09/2024 6:43 pm  

Following the second crusade, Saladin summoned his War Lords to Court, prepared to lay siege to Jerusalem.

Alas, one General arrived late with his warriors, and Saladin demanded to know why.

"A thousand apologies, Your Excellency. I did not receive your message. My page exploded".

Saladin glowered at him, then beckoned that his scribe approach the dais.
"Can his account be verified?"

The scribe bowed low. "At your command, Your Excellency."

He hurried behind a red velvet curtain.
The awkward silence was broken only by a series of taps and clicks.

A minute later the scribe returned.

"Well?" inquired Saladin.

"Your Excellency, the War Lord tells the truth. I have searched the records of the known world, and they do say 'Error 404 - Page not found.'"


This post was modified 1 year ago by Transparent

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Transparent
 Transparent
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30/10/2024 10:28 am  
Briefcase

In breaking news, police have discovered a suitcase containing a man's torso in a location north of Bury Head.

This comes just a month after a member of the public found a briefcase with a head in it less than a mile away.

Police asked the media not to speculate, and said they were investigating the incidents as separate cases.


This post was modified 1 year ago 3 times by Transparent

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Transparent
 Transparent
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31/10/2024 10:41 am  
BriefcaseSm2

In a news update, a Police Spokesman has refused to be drawn on a cause of death.

He said detectives were working on the assumption that the head and torso are unconnected.


This post was modified 1 year ago 3 times by Transparent

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